Episode 44 Transcript

Host: Mark Renneson

Intro

Whether it fully deserves it or not, Pickleball for the most part, has a pretty good reputation for being a welcoming sport. You hear stories all the time about non-players showing up at local courts, taking a look. And then what happens? They get met by a friendly crew of Pickleball players. We’ve got extra paddles and nothing but enthusiasm. We hear of travelers all the time, “Welcome to the open arms” when they join a drop-in session on a different city where they know nobody. And if you ever need a place to crash, just find a local Pickleball club and I’m sure the doors and the beds will open up very quickly.

All of this is good. But at the risk of blowing a hole in this feel-good bubble, I’d like to make a suggestion. I’d like to remind people that no, you do not in fact need to play Pickleball when anyone asks you to.

Today in Pickleball Problems, we’re going to talk about how and when to say no and to give you some practical tips about the best way to do this, the best ways to turn someone down without coming across as a jerk.

 

The Reasons Why We Say NO [1:16]

Alright, welcome back to Pickleball Problems. I’m your host, Mark Renneson. And today on the show, we are talking about saying no, just saying no to those Pickleball players that you don’t really want to play Pickleball with. How to do it, when to do it, why to do it, the ethics of doing it, and even some practical tips on how to do it in a way that doesn’t make you look too too bad.

So first of all, let’s just sort of set the stage here. Most of us have been in a situation where people who we don’t really want to play with step up onto our court and ask us if they can join. Now, why might we not want to play with these people? Well, it might be because they behave poorly in the past. Maybe they’ve been rude to others or maybe they’re paddle breakers, maybe they’re constant cursers. Whatever it might be; maybe they’ve rude or even abusive to other people in the group, I don’t know? Maybe it’s someone that you have a fundamental disagreement with? Something about the governance policies of your Pickleball club or of your country. And these differences are so strong that you can’t stand to ever step foot on a Pickleball court with these people. It happens, I know it’s out there right now, that there’s people who for one reason or another say, “I don’t care how good a player you are. I will not play Pickleball with you.”

And then of course, the other reason perhaps is  a more common reason that people don’t want to play Pickleball with other people is like, “Your level just really isn’t quite as good as ours or maybe even not close to ours.” And the belief that if you play Pickleball with that person, you’re really going to have to sort of play down your game and it’s going to lose some of its fun, it’s going to lose some of its competitiveness or whatever. You might like the person but their level is significantly lower than yours or the others in your group that it makes it less fun for the other people who are playing.

So whatever the reason might be, you have these people who want to come play with you and you want to say no. Now, I’m not saying that you have to be rude to them in your rejection. There are lots of polite ways to do it and we’re going to talk about that in a little bit. But I want to make the point that you should be able to say no, that you should feel empowered to say no if for some reason you don’t want to play with someone.

So before we talk about how to do this effectively, let’ talk about some of the exceptions where you shouldn’t say no or you should in fact say yes to someone who asked you to play even if you don’t really want to, and there are some exceptions.

 

The Exceptions [3:36]

So here’s one of them. Let’s say you’re playing at a venue where they have very clearly stated their policies when it comes how play is organized. They’ve got a poster up, they’ve got a flyer, you got the email talking about their terms of agreement. And what they’re saying is that “No, here everyone plays with everyone. That’s how it works.”

Maybe it’s a situation where you’re waiting for courts, the next four paddles in lines, they got out. And it’s not cool in that situation to look at the other three people in your group and say, “Ugh, I don’t want to play with this one,” and then take yourself out to play with the next. That is not cool.

If you’re playing at a place where they have certain rules, then you are still playing at that place even though you’re aware of the rules, you are in fact consenting to following those rules. So even if you don’t like the way that person looks or the way their forehand looks, you’ve got to play with them. And if you don’t like that rule, then don’t play at that place. But it’s not okay to go into a place and say, “You know what, I know what the rules are here but I’m not going to follow them. I’m going to follow my own rules.”

That’s not cool. It’s kind of like you go into a store and you know that they have certain policies and then you go in and decide that those policies don’t apply to you – not okay.

So what’s the other situation where you might have to play with someone even if you don’t really want to? Well, the thing I would think about is if you join a Pickleball club, right? Because a club could be like a physical structure, I guess, but it could also be a group of people. And you might sort of feel compelled a little bit, so like, “Hey, we’re all part of the same club. We have this sort of mutual interest together.” And I would say in that case, maybe it’s a non-obligation that you have to play with them, but it’s a pretty compelling reason, at least spent some of the time. You have this sort of – you’re part of this joint project together called a club, so I think that that’s important that you take that into consideration when you do that.

Okay, so with those exceptions aside, when you’re in a situation where you realized that there are rules at the club when it comes to playing with other people or you’re part of the club and someone comes and asks you, then I think in those cases, you should very strongly consider playing with them even if they’re not your favorite.

What we’re going to do in a second though, is we’re going talk about when those situations don’t apply when you’re just out there at the courts playing drop-in or playing with your buddies and then it happens. We’re going to talk about that and how to handle it tactfully in just a moment

Sponsor: Selkirk Sport

Sponsor: Jigsaw Health

Politely Saying No [7:31]

Alright, welcome back to Pickleball Problems. I’m your host, Mark Renneson. Today, we are talking about how to say no to those Pickleball players that you don’t really want to play with. Not just how to say no but how to say no in a polite kind of way, and that’s what we’re talking about right now.

So before we get into it, I want to change the scenario a little bit. Let’s really make sort of the ethical case for why it’s okay to say no in a Pickleball court. Because I know a lot of times, people feel obligated. They feel uncomfortable about saying no and they end up doing something that they don’t really want to for fear of being the bad guy or being the bad girl.

So I want to change the scenario a little bit. Let’s imagine that you and your friends are out at your favorite local watering hole. You’re out there sitting on the patio, enjoying the beautiful weather that you’re having. You’re having a great time with your friends but all of  sudden, a stranger comes up – maybe not even a stranger, maybe someone you know in acquaintance, someone comes up and say, “Hey, can I join you?”

Let’s say it’s a group of four, “Can I join you as a group of four at your table?”

Now, you could very well say yes if you want that person to join, you like their company, they tell great jokes, they but the drinks or whatever it might be. Of course, you could say yes.

But I don’t think you would feel obligated to say yes. Here you are having a nice time with your friends. This is your leisure time. You’re not on the clock for someone else. You’re spending your time the way that you want to spend your time, and it’s not hurting anyone or anything like that. And I don’t think that you have an obligation in that case to invite that person into your circle even though, of course, you might want to do it because you’re a nice person or because they are going to bring something great to the group, right?

And I think the same thing applies in Pickleball. I think it’s analogous. If you are out there playing Pickleball instead of having drinks, you’re out there playing Pickleball with your three buddies and someone else comes up and says, “Hey, can I become the fifth?” I think you have about the same degree of obligation to say yes to them that you would if you were sitting on a patio drinking your Margarita, right? You could of course do it, but there’s no obligation to do it. They are imposing themselves on you and I think that’s important to remember. Now, that doesn’t mean that you have permission to be rude or cruel or anything like that. But I think that you can and should feel empowered to say no.

 

How  Can We Say No [9:55]

Now, how can you do this? What are the best ways I’ve been around? Quite a few times where people have had to say no and sometimes they say it more gently than others. But what are some good ways to say no, to get out of the situation?

We’ll call them the random shows up to play with your group and says, “Hey, can I join in with your group?”

One good way to do, I think, it’s pretty effective, is to say, “Actually, you know what? We’re really been looking forward to playing together as a group. We’ve been waiting for this for quite a while. Maybe we’ll join up later?”

And again, you would do the same thing if you are at a bar or a restaurant. You would say, “Oh hey, I’ll catch up with you in a few minutes. See you later. We’ve been waiting to do this.” I think that’s a good way to do it.

I think another way to say this to sort of suggest that you’ve got kind of this rivalry going, this whole competition, right? Someone comes and says, “Oh hey, I hope you don’t mind but we have a bit of a rivalry going here. We’ve got a bet going. This is a rival match.”

You can decide how you want to say it. “We want to keep playing as a group because we’ve got this rivalry going.”

And that way it’s not you rejecting the person because they’re a person. You’re just sort of saying, “Oh hey, we’ve already got this thing going. We’ve got this rivalry,” and that can be a gentler way to do it.

I think you might also say, “Hey, thanks for asking! We’re actually working on somethings together as a group, so we’d rather kind of keep it as a group right now because we’re sort of – yeah, we’re playing games, but we’re also practicing some things,” right? Who knows, maybe you’ve taken a lesson as a group before and you’re applying that. Maybe been a watching a whole bunch of Third Shot Sports videos and you’re putting things into practice or maybe not — might be a white lie to say that you are.

And again, that white lie, I think could be an ethical lie because it is taking the reason for rejecting the person away from the person themselves and putting it more onto, “Oh, it’s part of our training plan,” or whatever you want to call it.

I think you might also want to say something along the lines of, “You know what? We’ve had some really good games lately. We just kind of want to keep this momentum going. I’m sure you understand,” right?

And again, it’s possible depending on how perceptive the person is. It’s possible that they understand, “Oh they’re kind of rejecting me in a nice way.” But again, remember, they are the ones who are imposing themselves on you, right? It’s not like you invited them to come and all of a sudden, you’re rejecting them. They are imposing themselves on you and I think in the same way in social situations, when people try to impose themselves on you, you have a right to resist that if you don’t want to be part of it.

Anyway, there are some consequences that you’re going to have to deal with. And in just a minute, we are going to talk about some of them.

Sponsor: Pickleball Coaching International

The Consequences [13:22]

Alright, welcome back to Pickleball Problems. I’m your host, Mark Renneson. Today, we’ve been talking about dealing with people who want to play with you even though you don’t want to play with them. We talked about how there are some exceptions to that where you should pretty much always say yes or at least mostly say yes. We talked about how to say no gently and sort of explaining why it’s okay to say no, just like if you’re socializing with your friends.

But that doesn’t mean that there are no consequences for saying no. It’s kind of like free speech, right? Yeah, sure it’s free speech but free speech doesn’t mean freedom from consequences for that speech. And this is kind of the same thing. If you turn someone down playing with you doesn’t mean there are going to be no consequences.

So what might some of the consequences be? Largely, they are going to be social consequences, right? They might be you know all of sudden you come across as like the snob, the Pickleball snob who doesn’t want to play with someone who’s not exactly at their level or thinks they’re too good for the other players. Who knows? Maybe you don’t get invited to the next barbecue or the next social. Maybe the next time that some fun activity is happening you get put on the waitlist instead of invited.

And just like in social situations where you speak and have to deal with consequences, the same happens in Pickleball. And you have to kind of judge, I guess, what you think that those consequences are likely to be. And you also have to sort of weigh whether you think that they are consequences that you’re willing to pay, right? The price of admission.

Of course, I probably painted this in a  pretty black or white situation. Most people will say, “Well, Mark, the solution is that you play with the people some of the time. You spend some of your time. Who knows, maybe you can make a spreadsheet. You spend 20% of your time playing with people, anyone who asked, and the other 80% saying no. Maybe that will make you a good ethical person.” I don’t know.

But I do think, just to kind of sum things up here, is that Pickleball is a social activity. And like other social activities, there’s always nuances that we have to try to navigate sometimes and of course, we sometimes do it better than others. But I would still stand by the idea that for the most part, Pickleball is a pretty welcoming community, and I hope it stays that way. And I hope that if you do have to reject someone from playing with you, you can find a way to do it in way that is kind and ethical and treats other people the way you would want to be treated.

 

Conclusion [15:43]

And we’ll leave it there. Thanks a lot for listening to this episode of Pickleball Problems. If you have a questions that you’d like me to address, send me an email, mark@thirdshotsports.com. And who knows, maybe we’ll talk about your Pickleball Problem next time on the show.

Take care!